The Pain of Loneliness and The Pleasure of Pain

I used to think lot many times of the things which can frighten me. One of the things or rather feeling I came up with which could afraid me to hell was──The feeling of loneliness.
I can withstand thunder, lightening, storm, dark, exposure, challenges (I haven’t yet thought about misery and things like that)…but what I can’t withstand is loneliness.
And it becomes very very difficult to be lonely in the world full of people…frenz, people who are close to u. you can mingle with anyone, share ur secrets with anyone, so many people around, who’ll do things to make u happy, to lighten up ur mood, ur heart, ur soul, who’ll get u rid of all the shit exploding like a volcano in ur mind, ur heart. They will listen to u because they know it is just what u want…having someone on ur side to lend u an ear where u can dump anything u want.
Just that ‘having someone by ur side’ would release all ur pain and take u to another world…the world which once belonged to u…transform u into another self…the person who u were, who belonged to that world.
BUT THEN…u don’t want ny of this thing to happen. U just want to be on ur own, all ur feelings, emotions, desires embedded in ur self…u just want to be left alone.
I thought a lot…y it has to be like that…wen u can so easily evade from this pain with so many people, not just ppl but frenz to whom u can go anytime and empty ur heart, lighten up ur soul, seek for support, and life would become much better then.
I also got the answer…its the pleasure of pain. You have started loving the hurt, the pain and so u shut doors to companionship & thus to happiness, because u r happy with something else…the PAIN.(reasons to this also have been thought of)
And then u realize that the feeling u were most afraid of ─ now, it is the very same feeling u r most comfortable with. And so u shut the door between u and the rest of the world and put the “don’t disturb” or rather “leave me alone” board on it.
Or at the worst…or must I say at the extremity? U start pretending that even u r a part of the world around u…just pretend…pretend to b happy, pretend to smile, pretend to laugh sometimes, pretend to njoy, pretend u r wat u were, so that no one comes and disturb the LONELY U.